For Want

I think it is pretty safe to say not very many, if any, read this blog.  I think the page views I have thus far are simply blog rating websites sending out the occasional feelers.  Not even my family reads this.  And today...I'm ok with that.

In January of this year when I was officially hired full time with my company and awarded the "less than amazing, but better than nothing" benefits package, I had an IUD removed while I was still covered by my previous insurance.  The reason I did this was I wanted to avoid having to find an OB-GYN so early on this new insurance plan.  I had the IUD removed on January 8th.  By March, I was pregnant and rather excited about it.  We hadn't planned on having a baby so quickly, but we were certainly not going to complain.  I was actually on an impromptu business trip when I got the confirmation and the first person I told was my project manager in Las Vegas.

Unfortunately, early in April, I started bleeding.  At first, it was just spotting, then it became a full on period.  I was worried and I found a OB-GYN that came highly recommended by many women I know.  By April 19th, we found out we lost the baby and I had to have a D & C to effectively clean everything out and start over.  Then we waited.  And waited.  Nothing happened; I was supposed to have a normal period again and I didn't.  We went back to the doctor and he gave me a shot to jump-start the process.  He said the body sometimes forgets what it is supposed to do.  From then on, everything worked out pretty well.  Things went back to normal and we decided to actively try again.

Well, its December now.  I am late and have been suffering a bit of a head-cold/allergies.  I went to the doctor yesterday and he had me tested.  Today, I got the results back.  Not pregnant.  And now...

It's funny.  I never post this kind of thing on Facebook because I figure no one really cares.  They "like" a post and occasionally leave a witty retort, but how many people actually care about the day to day.  I have never really felt like the world gave a damn so why waste their time?  But here, in my anonymous cocoon, I have a space on the internet no one bothers to look into and I can say whatever I want.  No one will read it, no one will "like" it or leave a Hallmark greeting card response.  Here I can spell out my thoughts and not disturb a soul.

My husband is a strange sort of man.  His emotions are kept close to the vest, even from me.  He was wounded...emotionally...and now, he doesn't let anyone see his true pain.  When we lost the baby, I was angry with him for that, angry he didn't share my pain.  But then after a few months, I saw just how much it was hurting him.  He let his walls crumble slightly, forgot to keep the veneer polished.  I saw him cry more often than he would care to admit.  He is 28 now, I am 25.  He wants to have a family, to have kids.  He wants to be the amazing dad he wished he grew up with.  And it just doesn't seem to be happening.

I know it isn't my fault, that I haven't done anything to cause this, but that doesn't change how it feels.  That doesn't change the sorrow catching the breath in my throat.  I want to be a mother.  I want to have my husband's children running around the house.  I want to watch them grow and raise them to be anything they want to be.  I want to be more than I am.

Two nights ago, I had a dream and when I woke up, I had this overwhelming feeling that I was pregnant, that I wouldn't start this month.  I was excited even though I was only a few days late.  I should have known better.  Ever since I was a child, I have known disappointment.  I have learned not to get excited about things, to just let things happen as they come without expectation.  Every time I make plans and get excited for something, it never works out and I become angry and irrational.  That's why I refused to be excited about my wedding, I refused to get my hopes up or set my sights on "the perfect day."  I knew if I did, then every little thing that went wrong would by a huge disappointment and my wedding would be ruined.  Instead, I had no expectations.  I walked down the aisle with a happy-go-lucky attitude and laughed when my shoe fell off as I marched down the stairs.  I threw foam balls around, blew bubbles, and chased kids around the park at my reception.  I enjoyed the day, with all of its problems, and had a truly remarkable wedding.

I keep telling myself to do the same thing in this case, to not get my hopes up, not set any expectations.  I even tried to convince myself I couldn't be pregnant until I was rushed to the delivery room.  But how do you do that with something like a baby?  How do you refuse to be excited, to have hope, to look forward to, to plan for a baby?  How do you shield your heart against heartbreak every time you shop near the baby aisle?  And more importantly, how do you smile in your husband's face and hide away your tears of frustration, of disappointment, of loss, and of sorrow?  How do you pretend nothing is wrong when every fiber of your being is screaming for want of a baby?

Illiterate Writer

As the cost of higher education continues to increase, a growing number of Americans are finding it unaffordable to obtain a college education to say nothing of the paying off the outlandish and mismanaged federal student loans. To demonstrate this concept, I would like to tell you my story.

I am a 25-year-old, female civil engineer. When I was 2, my parents divorced and my father practically disappeared. By the time I was 6, I was diagnosed ADHD, suspected of dyslexia, and molested by a family friend. My mom worked her way up a local government job against several obstacles into management, placing her in the lower middle class, yet we only ever survived.

When I was 10 years old, shingles, ringworm, and strep throat placed me in quarantine for 21 consecutive days, during which time my mother discovered I was illiterate. Somehow, she scrapped together the money to enroll me in Sylvan Learning Center. In 6 months, my reading comprehension and writing skills increased from a 2^nd grade reading level to a 12+ level. I also patched up some holes in my math skills and corrected a speech impediment. My mom told me there was nothing I could not achieve if I set my mind to it.

I never really thought about being disabled or illiterate because when I graduated high school in the top ten, I felt comfortable academically. I applied for dozens of scholarships fitting in as many essays amidst my Advanced Placement and Honors course work.  Unfortunately, given my demographic and mother's annual income, I was overlooked by numerous scholarships entering college with the Cal Grant, the 3^rd place local Elk’s Lodge "Student of the Year" scholarship for $500, and the ever delightful federal subsidized and unsubsidized student loans.

From 2006-2008, I struggled like many underclassmen to register for classes in an overly impacted university when the California budget forced Cal Poly Pomona to cut nearly all of the lower division math classes.  Nevertheless, after 5 years, I graduated Magna Cum Laude with honors in 2011 with a bachelor's degree in civil engineering. Despite numerous extracurricular activities including Chi Epsilon Job Fair Chair and Community Service Coordinator, I was unable to find gainful employment for 6 months and began volunteering with the City of Riverside Water Resources Department in November 2011. Unfortunately, my $25,000 student loans entered deferment until a water engineering consulting company mercifully hired me in July 2012.

Around February 2013, I decided to hone my literary skills; I wrote a short story, which very quickly became a full-length novel at 143,000 words. Now, looking back I realize the feat I accomplished. I overcame several learning and developmental disabilities to graduate top of my class in a mathematical field only to write the first book in a series in my spare time.

Despite all of my accomplishments, I received minimal scholarships. I am just a single student in the desperate middle class struggling to secure a future.  Hundreds of scholarships exist for the impoverished, but few exist for the surviving.  I am not a politician; I do not pretend to understand the intricacies of the Washington agenda, but what I do know is more of the middle class are working dead-end jobs hoping for a lucky break to continue their education.  I am now seeking publication of my novel in the hopes of starting a scholarship foundation to fill in the gap.  I will do my part to ensure all Americans can attend college.  What will you do?

Alexis Rhodes

P.S. If you would like to fact check my story, email storytellerrhodes@gmail.com requesting my real name and supporting documents.

Major Revisions

Now that I have two readers who have finished Silent Symphony, I have began my third major revision.  This first pass is a content revision in which, surprisingly enough, I am adding additional description in certain key areas.  My husband indicated there were several patches where the vague description actually jarred him out of the story and thus made it difficult for him to focus on the story.  I find this humorous because usually I am rather verbose in the descriptive areas and am forced to cut back, but now I am actually needing additional clarification.

I am also critically analyzing my magic system for flaws and consistency errors with Lullaby Trials.  A primary issue at the moment is the evolution of the main characters understanding of the void.  In the beginning, very little information is known and as a result, a great deal of irrelevant lore exists.  As the story progresses, various nuances unfold indicating the true complexity of the void, but it is in these nuances that I may have unintentionally contradicted myself.

Thankfully, it has been a while since I last read Silent Symphony, so now I am effectively reading it from scratch again.  I am hoping to be "done" with the content revision quickly and with any luck will get the grammatical and spelling mark-ups pretty soon.  On the plus side, one of my readers has been struggling with edits because she is getting too wrapped up in the story itself.  Personally, I am tickled pink this problem even exists.  Happy reading!!

Eliciting Emotion

My husband finished Silent Symphony last week. He is usually a very detached person when it comes to book characters. He never forms an emotional attachment unless the character is an animal. For example, he cried and got very angry when Hopper, the wolf in the Wheel of Time series, died, but wouldn't give a toss when Dumbledor died. He just isn't that type of reader.

Nevertheless, while reading my book, he said "I know I am an emotional basket case because I keep wanting to cry whenever I read your book." I replied "Or I could be a good writer capable of eliciting emotions in my audience." He replied, "no, I'm just emotionally messed up at the moment." Aside from the fact he managed to revoke his own man-card and insult me at the same time, I have it on good authority that he is wrong. When I handed the first chapter to my mom to read, she cried hysterically before she finished the first paragraph. Three other readers have told me similar instances and I must confess, I am giddy with the prospect of affecting my audience so drastically.

One family member said, "usually when I read, I read the descriptions of a scene and never really get a visual, but with your book, I can actually see Ali sitting on the wall with the wind wiping her hair against her back like a banner. I have never had that happen to me before."  I know I am still a novice writer, but hearing stories like this about my book fill me with great pride and give me hope for my publishing future. If you have read any part of my story and experienced something similar, please let me know. Hope to hear from you! :D

Melancholy

Today is a day of melancholy contentment. I am sprawled out on a cot near the window staring out into the boring day waiting for family to come back from shopping. Normally, I would be playing a game or reading a book, but today, I am a cat staring out at the world I want nothing to do with.

1 Reader And Counting

I am super excited; finally 1 person has finished Silent Symphony! Granted, it was my husband and I threatened serious bodily injury of he didn't read it, but let's not get hung up on the details. And to be fair, several friends and family have started out, but unfortunately many are super busy with life and such nonsense.

So this is a special thanks to all my beloved readers thus far. I will also have this list in the front of my book as well.

To my friends: Cristina, Dya, Andrea, Kevin, and Zerline, thank you so much for taking the time to give it a try. I hope you enjoy and are engaged throughout.

To my family: Lissa, Rose, Matt, Dee, and Mommy, I hope my story lives up to your wildest expectations while maintaining some assemblance of sanity. Just remember, this is far from my wildest tale told...and I did NOT steal cookies from the cookie jar... *shifty eyes*

And finally, to my darling husband: when this story began, I had nothing in particular in mind. I simply wanted to expand upon my storytelling. But now that it is finished and I see the beginnings of these relationships, I am reminded of how much I love you and of all the tiny things that have made our 7+ years together wonderful. I love you and hope you enjoyed my trip down the literary rabbit hole.

Moms are Awesome

Moms are Awesome for so many reasons, but here is my reason today.

When I was in first grade, my daycare played The Newsies frequently and as a result, and I am not kidding, I developed a New York accent. Sadly, I am from California and here professionals call that a speech impediment. My mom took me to speech therapy classes where I met my childhood bestfriend, Nicole.

In the fifth grade, I had shingles, ring-worm, and strep throat simultaneously. I was quarantined for 21 days. My mom stayed home and ensured I got all my homework done...in the process discovering I was illiterate and suspected I was dyslexic. Add that to the "cage-sour" and ADHD and I am legitimately shocked to be alive right now.

But despite the headaches, my mom never gave up on me. She figured out how to pay for me to go to Sylvan Learning Center, where a team of awesome albeit expensive tutors helped me go from a 2nd grade reading level to a 12+ level in about 3 months. Sadly, spelling and grammar are still dodgy at best.

Nevertheless, I went on to high school and AP English where my papers routinely "bleed" and the most common tragedy was the comma. But I passed the test with a 4 and went to college to become an environmental civil engineer. I took a Science Fiction/Fantasy class my fourth year where my final project was to write a short story. Mine was 20 pages long and only needed to be 5.

I graduated Magna Cum Laude with honors and a BS in civil engineering. I have since started working with an environmental consulting engineering firm and in about 4 months, I wrote a 143,000 word book. My husband's words were, and I quote, "you're a wordy little bastard, aren't you?" referencing DBZ Abridged season 1.

The gist...none of this would have been possible if not for an amazingly supportive and annoyingly persistent mom who put her entire single-mom life on hold to raise me, guide me, nurture me, and kick me in the ass occasionally. So for all you mothers out there, first, a toast to being epically mom, and second, keep up the hard work, even when you would rather curl up and cry. Your children will benefit from it and their futures will be brighter for it.